


Dear Sirius

by 7thweasley



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M, Marauders, Remus POV, mentions of child abuse, post azkaban, pre Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:17:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7thweasley/pseuds/7thweasley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter made of important dates from Remus Lupin to Sirius Black</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Sirius

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, okay. This may really suck. It's my first fic on here. I'll check my grammar and spelling once again, but pardon me if I miss anything. Thanks for reading!!

Dear Sirius,

**1 September 1971**

My first day of Hogwarts. I didn't think I was supposed to be there, and I certainly thought they had made a mistake when they placed me in Gryffindor, house of the brave. But it was there I met you; you, James and Peter. You took me in as a brother, more than I had ever deserved. I felt at home for the first time in forever. I didn't tell you about me; I thought you'd hate me.

**13 November 1971**

We executed our first prank as a band of friends. You told me I was a genius. I had never been praised as such before. You would later call me a nerd, but in the same amazed tone when you said I was a genius.

**10 March 1972**

You, James and Pete threw me a party. I had never had a birthday party. You gave me gifts. My parents were the only ones who did that.

**22 October 1972**

You followed me that night. I went to a rickety old shack, one you'd never been to. You saw what I was, and you didn't run. You told me it didn't change our friendship. James and Peter later said the same thing. I didn't say it, but it took me years to believe what you said, too many people had left me out of fear or disgust.

**28 December 1975**

You, James and Peter showed me what you had been working on for three years – the product of all those late nights in the library you refused to share with me. You each had become Animagi, so I "wouldn't be alone." It was the greatest thing anyone had done for me.

**14 February 1976**

It was your birthday, so we threw a party (naturally). You celebrated by snogging all night with your new girlfriend, Marlene. I pretended not to notice. I compartmentalized and moved on.

**12 July 1976**

You were disowned and went to live with the Potters. Peter and I went to visit for a week. I finally admitted to myself that I loved you. I compartmentalized and moved on.

**25 December 1976**

I had worked up the courage to tell you. Maybe you felt the same, and my method of tucking it away was unnecessary. I told you.

**25 December 1976**

You yelled that you could _never_ , and would never love me like that. You "weren't gay, for Christ's sake."

**25 December 1976**

_You broke my fucking heart._ I compartmentalized and moved on. Things became awkward between us.

**17 June 1977**

You called me, sobbing. You told me you were wrong, that you did love me. I hung up on you. I compartmentalized and moved on.

**23 September 1977**

We went to Hogsmeade, just the two of us. I asked if it was a date, you said you wanted it to be. We held hands like shy primary school children.

**1 October 1977**

You kissed me. I wondered how I deserved you.

**31 December 1977**

We fucked. You wondered where I had been all your life. I said right in front of you.

**24 January 1978**

You tried to kill Snape. You sent him to me in the Shack – I nearly killed him. I didn't speak to you for a month, and then we only exchanged cool pleasantries. I felt betrayed.

**15 August 1978**

The four of us joined the Order of the Phoenix in an attempt to beat You-Know-Who.

**19 April 1979**

Lily and James got married. I later went home with you. We kissed for the first time in a year. You told me you still loved me. I returned the sentiment.

**25 August 1979**

After months of living off of James' charity, I moved in with you to your flat. We were finally happy after many rocky times.

**30 July 1980**

Lily gave birth to Harry. James was strutting with pride, so much that we told him his Animagus ought to be a peacock. You were named Harry's godfather, and you strutted as well as James.

**1 August 1980**

Lily and James finally let you hold your godson. You were silent for a long time. I wondered if we could ever be parents.

**8 May 1981**

Alice and Frank Longbottom were tortured into insanity, leaving their young son to Frank's mother. You-Know-Who went after Lily, James, and Harry. They went into hiding, leaving you Secret-Keeper.

**18 May 1981**

There was a spy in the Order. You thought it was me. You didn't say so, but I knew from the coldness of the sheets beside me when I woke up, and the cold coffee that took your place when I entered the kitchen. You grew distant.

**31 October 1981**

_He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named killed our friends._ James and Lily were left cold in their house, their son crying, with the Dark Lord was nowhere to be found. You went off for Peter and I thought you meant to kill him as well. I thought you did. You were arrested on your way back to our flat. _(I thought you were coming to kill me.)_

**4 November 1981**

You were sent to Azkaban without trial. I mourned at Lily, James, and Peter's funerals alone. I hated you for leaving me alone. I tried to doubt that you killed them, but it all seemed too real. I tried to gain custody of Harry, but I was viewed as 'unfit to support a child.'

**26 January 1982**

I started to send you letter to Azkaban. The letters mostly asked if you did it, or why you did it. It wasn't until later that I started asking how you were holding up or telling you that I would still love you, just come home.

**4 May 1982**

I received a letter from Azkaban, but it wasn't from you. It was from the guards, and said to stop writing since you were long dead. I didn't believe them for one second, and I kept writing. [Very] slowly, I was beginning to believe your innocence.

**17 July 1992**

After ten years of living off scarce jobs, Dumbledore made an offer to me. If I went through professor training, he would hire me to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Of course I accepted – that was my favorite subject and you, James and Peter always told me I would be a professor one day.

**13 August 1993**

The newspapers said you broke out of prison, and that you were running mad. They said you had broken out to rejoin any bit that was left of You-Know-Who. I pathetically hoped you would come to me.

**1 September 1993**

That was my first day teaching at Hogwarts. By some luck, Harry and his friends chose my compartment to sit in while I slept. He had no idea who I was. He looked so much like James when he was in third year, except for the eyes of course. Sirius, it was insane. I had to catch my breath.

Dementors got onto the train that day, searching for you. Harry had collapsed to the floor, most likely reliving the horrors of his young life. I had chocolate in my pocket, same as always. I -always told you it balanced the effects of such creatures.

**3 June 1994**

You showed yourself...in admittedly, not the best way. As Padfoot, you dragged Ron Weasley, who was holding 'Scabbers', down the tunnel to the Shack. Of course, Harry and Hermione Granger thought you meant to hurt their friend. After realizing you were the escaped convict, Harry threatened to kill you for supposedly betraying his parents.

I had seen on the Map where you had gone and followed. I finally found the answers of your innocence and Peter's circumstance.

Unfortunately, that night was a full moon and I turned, causing Peter to escape when we were distracted. You saved Harry, Ron and Hermione, but I nearly killed you and left you to the Dementors. Harry and Hermione later freed you.

  **4 June 1994**

It had seemed I had found you then lost you in one night. But Dumbledore told me about your residence in the countryside. I resigned my teaching position and went to you.

**7 June 1994**

You asked me to stay with you, wherever that may be. We ran from authorities for a while, before hiding in Grimmauld Place at Dumbledore's orders a year later.

**12 August 1995**

The Order formed again, and we offered to have headquarters at the old house. We put to use the abundance of rooms as members moved in. The house was happy and full.

However, your flashbacks grew worse. "I don't like being back here...I never thought I'd be stuck in this house again," was what you said. You were trapped inside the home you were abused in, and I had no idea how I could make it better.

You grew angry and resentful. You lost sleep, and lost weight, since you were unable to see any bit of the house without remembering. I wanted to leave for somewhere new. I suggested that we sleep on the flat roof of the building, to see the stars. You slept on top of my sleeping bag as Padfoot. That seemed to work better. You rarely set foot back downstairs, usually only for meetings.

**27 November 1995**

You fed ideas of rebellion into Harry's head (if they weren't there already). With your help he formed Dumbledore's Army to teach felled students how to better defend themselves, as Umbridge wasn't doing the job. I secretly thought you were trying to fit your memories of James into his son.

**5 December 1995**

I had thought things were getting better, but I had been wrong. You didn't sleep, eat, or take care of yourself to the point where I had to feed, bathe, clean and dress you. But weeks later, you began to help me and to put more effort into yourself.

**25 December 1995**

By the time Harry and the Weasleys stayed for Christmas, you were back to your health. Things got better. You slept on the roof with me under heating and weather repellant charms as a human. You became more of the Sirius I remembered and had fallen in love with. I knew you would never be him again, though, because something had broken inside you while in Azkaban.

**18 June 1996**

Harry had left Hogwarts for the Ministry, where he had thought he had seen you tortured by You-Know-Who. However, this wasn't true as you were home with me.

That day had been a Good One, as they became known. You felt up to it and we went downstairs to the library. We leaned against each other and read. Around lunch, we made a huge mess trying to shape something into food. Kreacher shooed us out of the kitchen, and we set off your mother's painting from laughing so hard.

But later in the afternoon, Kingsley sent a Patronus to us and the other members, saying that you were endangered at the Ministry and Harry had gone for you. Confused but worried sick, we Apparated to Harry and his friends' aid.

I thought we were doing well, the Order and Harry's group. We fought the Death Eaters evenly. I heard you laughing as you fought beside Harry, you even accidentally called him James.

That was the last I heard you. Then, your cousin launched a spell at you, killing you as you laughed. You fell into the strange Veil that occupied the center of the room, and floated away.

I had to restrain Harry from trying to go after you, or go after your cousin. _I held him back as he screamed while I folded up within myself._ The grief I had felt when you were in Azkaban was magnified infinitely, and came crashing down on me.

I went home without you. I went home to an empty house. There was still some dough on the counter where we left it. I felt empty. I gave myself that day, then I compartmentalized and moved on.

~~~

Sirius, there is no way to express what you did for me, and how much I loved you. You were the friend I always needed, and the man I loved. I spent too much of my life angry at you and almost hating you, and I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. I'm sorry for it all. For the abuse you suffered through in the place that was meant to be warm and loving to a child. For your best friends' death, for your imprisonment. I'm sorry you had to be holed up in that god-awful house and go through those memories. I'm sorry I couldn't ever do anything. I'm sorry for all the pain I brought you.

But I will never regret loving you. That was the best decision I had ever made. I just hope, that if there is somewhere after this, I get to see you again.

Forever and always yours,

Moony


End file.
